I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I would fuck him just for his dog
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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