nut hugger
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
