Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
