I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
