How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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