highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
