Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
