no, he came in my armpit
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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