I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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