I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
