No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Randomize
