At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
