i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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