I wanna bring you to show and tell
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
