Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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