I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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