just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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