I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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