I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
