Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
