I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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