So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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