Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
