i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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