people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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