i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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