My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
