Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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