Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
