Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
