She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
