I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
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