he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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