So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
