as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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