I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
