Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
