I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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