Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
