yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
