one two three fourrrrnication!
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
