got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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