...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
