i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
