i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
why do cheetos always look like penises
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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