the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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