Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
My liver just broke up with me...
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
