the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
