Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Randomize
