My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
