Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
