We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
