accomplished twins. life is a go
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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