He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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