i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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