he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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