mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
